I ran across this blog article shortly after I found out I was pregnant. In short, the article describes a woman's annoyance with her husband using the word "we" in reference to her being pregnant. Boiling it down, she felt that by saying "they" were pregnant her husband over-exaggerated his contribution to the pregnancy while belittling hers. As amusing as parts of the article were, I found myself also feeling sad: not only for her husband who was publicly shamed, but also for the woman who felt like the use of a word would demean her ability to grow and carry a child. To this woman, and any other who feels the same, I would like to propose that in a healthy relationship there is, in fact, a "we" in pregnancy. Furthermore, selfishly acknowledging only your own contributions while ignoring and down-playing those of your spouse is a detriment to your relationship.
Let me start by saying this. I understand very well that not everyone has a healthy relationship. I also understand that, due to unfortunate and unforeseeable circumstances, some women may not have the companionship of a spouse while they're pregnant. My heart goes out to these people, and I understand that my comments would be unrealistic if applied to them.
With that said, here are my thoughts on why the term "we're pregnant," is neither offensive or untrue. Yes, I am the one whose body aches in a way I didn't know was possible before getting pregnant, but I am not the one rubbing my back, legs, feet, etc. daily. That would be my husband. I was also the one, who early in the pregnancy, was tossing cookies in the toilet. But I wasn't the one who made a make-shift bed in the hall outside the bathroom so I wouldn't have to race to the bathroom every time I was sick. That was my husband. Yes, I am the one who seems to have an insatiable appetite and can't go three hours straight without eating, but I am not the one packing my purse with snacks before I leave the house before outings. Yet again, my husband does that. Likewise, I am the one who seems to have developed a bladder the size of a raisin, but it is my husband who patiently waits by the front door while I rush to the bathroom "just one more time before we go"...even though just 2 minutes before I had reassured him that I was "really ready to leave." I am the one who complains about never being comfortable and how food seems disgusting, but it's my husband who sympathetically listens. The list goes on and on.
I am fully aware that my husband is of a rare breed, and that not everyone has such a devoted and kind spouse. But the quality of my husband isn't the point. The point is that my being pregnant has affected us both, as I can guarantee a pregnancy does in any relationship. What I cannot guarantee, but am willing to bet on, is that even if your husband is generally a schmuck, he's doing something for you that makes your pregnancy a little easier. Acknowledging his good efforts will make him seem like a little less of a schmuck, and afford you a new perspective--allowing you to see some goodness in him. Gratitude is amazing like that.
So yes, I am the one who is growing a tiny human inside my body, but I am not the only one reaping the repercussions of pregnancy. It would be both naive and selfish to say so. Just because our contributions are different, it does not make one sacrifice more important than another. Furthermore, this issue of either an "I" or a "we" in pregnancy does not only apply to birthing children, but it relates to the decline of healthy relationships in general.
I am so very tired of the notion that the elevation of women in society comes only at the price of the devaluation of men. In other words, you do not have to tear down your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, for your own worth and contributions to be valid.
So yes, I believe that women have an inherent worth and that their positive contributions to the family and society cannot be adequately measured; but I also believe the same is true of men. And I know that seeking to identify and celebrate only one person's goodness is going to hurt your marriage. In what world are competition and comparison more conducive to a healthy relationship than kindness and gratitude? None that I know of.;
So please, the next time you're tempted to belittle your spouse's efforts, or focus solely on your own achievements, don't. The world that I live in needs a whole lot more compassion and a lot less comparison...especially in marriages.
