The "we" in pregnancy...and relationships in general.

I ran across this blog article shortly after I found out I was pregnant. In short, the article describes a woman's annoyance  with her husband using the word "we" in reference to her being pregnant. Boiling it down, she felt that by saying "they" were pregnant her husband over-exaggerated his contribution to the pregnancy while belittling hers. As amusing as parts of the article were, I found myself also feeling sad: not only for her husband who was publicly shamed, but also for the woman who felt like the use of a word would demean her ability to grow and carry a child. To this woman, and any other who feels the same, I would like to propose that in a healthy relationship there is, in fact, a "we" in pregnancy. Furthermore, selfishly acknowledging only your own contributions while ignoring  and down-playing those of your spouse is a detriment to your relationship.

Let me start by saying this. I understand very well that not everyone has a healthy relationship. I also understand that, due to unfortunate and unforeseeable circumstances, some women may not have the companionship of a spouse while they're pregnant. My heart goes out to these people, and I understand that my comments would be unrealistic if applied to them.

With that said, here are my thoughts on why the term "we're pregnant," is neither offensive or untrue. Yes, I am the one whose body aches in a way I didn't know was possible before getting pregnant, but I am not the one rubbing my back, legs, feet, etc. daily. That would  be my husband. I was also the one, who early in the pregnancy, was tossing cookies in the toilet. But I wasn't the one who made a make-shift bed in the hall outside the bathroom so I wouldn't have to race to the bathroom every time I was sick. That was my husband. Yes, I am the one who seems to have an insatiable appetite and can't go three hours straight without eating, but I am not the one packing my purse with snacks before I leave the house before outings. Yet again, my husband does that.  Likewise, I am the one who seems to have developed a bladder the size of a raisin, but it is my husband who patiently waits by the front door while I rush to the bathroom "just one more time before we go"...even though just 2 minutes before I had reassured him that I was "really ready to leave." I am the one who complains about never being comfortable and how food seems disgusting, but it's my husband who sympathetically listens. The list goes on and on.

I am fully aware that my husband is of a rare breed, and that not everyone has such a devoted and kind spouse. But the quality of my husband isn't the point. The point is that my being pregnant has affected us both, as I can guarantee a pregnancy does in any relationship. What I cannot guarantee, but am willing to bet on, is that even if your husband is generally a schmuck, he's doing something for you that makes your pregnancy a little easier. Acknowledging his good efforts will make him seem like a little less of a schmuck, and afford you a new perspective--allowing you to see some goodness in him. Gratitude is amazing like that.

So yes, I am the one who is growing a tiny human inside my body, but I am not the only one reaping the repercussions of pregnancy. It would be both naive and selfish to say so. Just because our contributions are different, it does not make one sacrifice more important than another. Furthermore, this issue of either an "I" or a "we" in pregnancy does not only apply to birthing children, but it relates to the decline of healthy relationships in general.

I am so very tired of the notion that the elevation of women in society comes only at the price of the devaluation of men. In other words, you do not have to tear down your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, for your own worth and contributions to be valid.

So yes, I believe that women have an inherent worth and that their positive contributions to the family and society cannot be adequately measured; but I also believe the same is true of men. And I know that seeking to identify and celebrate only one person's goodness is going to hurt your marriage. In what world are competition and comparison more conducive to a healthy relationship than kindness and gratitude? None that I know of.;

So please, the next time you're tempted to belittle your spouse's efforts, or focus solely on your own achievements, don't. The world that I live in needs a whole lot more compassion and a lot less comparison...especially in marriages.

On the Importance of Making Covenants

While growing up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I had heard many, many times that when I married, I should make sure that it was in our faith's temple. I was told that the reason it was so important that I married in the temple was because only there would I be able to be married for time and all eternity--that marrying in the temple was the only way I would be able to be with my spouse forever, literally.

I heard that speech so many times. So many. But it wasn't until after I got married that I understood the gravity of that teaching.

One week before Jake and I were to be married (in a temple, as it would turn out), I took him in to have his first colonoscopy. We learned that day that he did, in fact, have an ulcer in his colon. Upon receiving that news, I remember being completely overwhelmed. I was about to make the biggest decision of my life, and on top of that I had just learned that my twenty-one year old fiance was sick. I'd be lying if I said I never once considered calling off the marriage. But I didn't, and a week later was one of the best days of my life.

It was almost one month to the day, after we got married that we received more earth-shattering news. Not only did my husband have an ulcer, but he also had a failing liver... and the only course of treatment would be a transplant...quite possibly within seven years. Seven years. We were both twenty-one, in college, and heart broken knowing that Jake might not make it past the age of 28. Words cannot describe the anguish we felt.

It's been almost two years now and there have been numerous miracles occur to help soften the blow of such a devastating diagnosis--the most comforting and miraculous of all being that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that our marriage is eternal. I didn't marry Jake because I thought he would make me happy for a couple of months, or because I wanted him as my husband for a couple of years. I married him because he is my truest friend, my confidant, and a much better man than I could ever dream of. I married him because I wanted to spend my life with him, and my eternity.

I will forever be grateful for the decision that we made to be sealed in the temple of our God. There, we made promises to each other and to God that we would be dedicated to our marriage; and there, God promised us that if we do our part, He will let us be together, even after we die. I know God will keep that promise, because He is God and keeping promises is his nature. That promise of eternity is the one thing that has kept me going. It has brought so much more strength and comfort than I could ever imagine. It has been the calm in the storm.

I will forever be grateful to God for allowing me to reap the blessings of the temple. And I will always be glad that we decided to get married there so we could have those blessings. Receiving ordinances and making covenants isn't just for old people like I used to think... it's for everyone.

Growing-Up to be Great

I always wanted to grow up to be something great-- to somehow bring more light, more joy, more purpose to the world. That, in part, could explain why I chose to study Psychology in college. But since graduating, I've come to learn that being something great doesn't necessarily mean being great in the work-force. Sure, for some, it may be their calling in life to invent something that will help improve the quality of life for millions, for others their role may be fulfilled by writing beautiful literature.

But I don't think I'm one of those people.

I will probably never discover a new--more effective--therapeutic technique, nor is it likely that I will be known in the history books as someone who influenced the world in such a way as Mother Teresa.

And that's okay. I can still be great.

Greatness is showing love to others when it's easier to show hatred. Greatness is forgiving. Greatness is serving your fellow man. Greatness is helping pick others up when they are down. Greatness is showing compassion, charity, and love. And those, my friends, are some things that I can do. I don't need to go down in the history books as one who fought for human rights, or as one who influenced millions. I just don't. I, for one, am perfectly happy to be the person who loves deeply and lives fully. That is what greatness looks like for me.

What does greatness look life for you? Figure it out, and let's be great together.

Glimpses of Reality

I saw it today, for just a moment. It was a beautiful answer to my prayers.

We were sitting in church. I looked over at my husband and caught a glimpse of the man he truly is. His honest, diligent, humble, good-to-the-bone self.

I prayed for that moment a few days ago. I prayed to be able to see my husband the way God sees him. 

Prayers are answered. People are worth so much more than we know. I caught a glimpse of that today when I looked at my dear husband. I pray I'll be able to remember this moment--to remember that we are all much more than we know--we are divine. In accordance, I pray to remember to treat others, and my self, as such.

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." Doctrine and Covenants 18:10

Pinterest Pet Peeve.

Confession: I love pinterest. Confession #2: I hate "fitness" pins.

I hate them for a number of reasons. Because they objectify women. Because they induce self-loathing and guilt. Because they are often "soft" porn. Because they insinuate that thinness equates to happiness. Because they reinforce our society's unrealistic beauty ideals. Because they suggest that you are not enough.

You are enough. Stop degrading yourself. Your worth is not dependent upon your weight.

Let's just stop with the "fitness" pins. Okay?

On-line Shopping Reviews

This one is for the ladies.

Okay, let's chat for a second about something that tends to get me pretty riled up. Negative self-talk. You know exactly what I mean. It's when you think to yourself that you aren't good enough. Like when your words come out awkwardly and of the sudden your a doofus. Or when you get one bad grade so you instantly become an idiot. Or when your middle-aged body doesn't fit into the clothes you wore in high school so you tell yourself (again) that you're fat. The list of negative self-talk is extensive and varies person to person. But it's a real thing, and to some degree, we all do it.

But just because we all do it doesn't make it right.

I was doing some on-line shopping for some cute Summer clothes today and while I was perusing the product reviews I started noticing a trend. A subtle, but self-degrading trend. Women were using the product reviews section as a medium to express their hatred and disgust with their body. There was everything from "it's perfect because it hides my rolls," to "I love how this isn't too tight on my stomach (I had a baby)."

Ladies. Reading those comments broke my heart. I'm saddened even further when I think about the endless possibilities of other negative things these women say to themselves each day--if they are degrading themselves publicly, I doubt that's the only time they are so harsh on themselves. I am not chastising the women who made these comments. Rather, I am using the comments to illustrate a point. The point being that it is far too easy to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

Your bodies can do some pretty miraculous things. If you get a cut, you can grow new skin to heal it. If you get an infection, your body will fight it off. You can create life. You are worth so much more than you know. You are far more beautiful for what you can accomplish than for how you look in a bathing suit.

You are a walking miracle--miraculous, if you will.

Let's lessen the self-hate and increase the gratitude for how amazing we truly are.

Then vs Now: The Marriage Effect

Then:
I went clubbing, monthly.
I went on a lot of dates... sometimes 3 a week.
I stayed up late giggling with my roommates.
I flirted covertly.
I loved going out.

Now:
I dance with my sweetheart in the kitchen.
I go out with the Hubbs once a week.
I go to bed early.
I flirt shamelessly.
I love staying in.

Marriage, sometimes, gets bashed on. I cannot number how many times I've heard that living the single life is living the fun life, and that once you get married your fun gets squelched.

I'm here to disagree.

Yes, I had fun being single. Lots of fun, in fact. But marriage is fun too. Sure, I don't go out as much as I used to. But now I don't want to go out as much. I no longer have to go out just to avoid the harsh reality that I'll be alone when I get home. I have the comfort of eternal companionship every day of my life. I've replaced parties and nights on the town with board games and netflix. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Single life is fun. Yes. But married life is bliss, joy, and comfort. It's companionship, faith, compromise, and growth...together instead of alone.

There isn't a single day that I regret marrying my best friend.